I received a Facebook message from an old schoolmate of mine. We weren’t close. She was a few years ahead of me, but I always admired and looked up to her in a way. She was gorgeous and somewhat mysterious and seemed to keep to her focus on her craft in the way I always envisioned a true artist at work.
I was truly surprised to read her message. It was an apology letter for treating me badly and an admission of insecurity and jealousy that caused such behavior. Her words touched me, and not in the way one might think.
I actually have no recollection of her treating me in any way at all (perhaps that’s what she is speaking about), but while I have always been hypersensitive to the subtle energies of others, even just passersby on the street, I never received any negativity from her. Perhaps I was too wrapped up in my own insecurities and jealousies to notice.
But, the appreciation for her letter remains, however unnecessary it may have seemed. In a world where true human connection is becoming obsolete and therefore awareness and accountability for how we affect others is evolving out like the tail on our prehistoric predecessors, her message sparked hope in me that there are those who still look within and are convicted enough to make amends.
I tend to go overboard with such baggage, as I carry with me every slight offense for which I have been responsible; a store clerk on the receiving end of an abrupt and impatient tone, a subway passenger who was given a roll of the eyes for not moving over an inch or two, or a telemarketer calling at dinner time who possibly didn’t need to be spoken to with angry disdain while she was simply trying to make a living. And, I’m still holding guilt over my treatment of that poor Toys R Us gentleman from our infamous beach excursion day! (Which I might add, was one of the catalysts for the onset of this blog eight months ago.)
So, while I do take this concept entirely too far, I am relieved to know that there are others who take the business of affecting the lives of others seriously. Lately, it seems like it is perfectly acceptable for emails to go unanswered, texts to go misunderstood, and voice mails to remain unheard.
People seem to be much less willing to openly connect, bring messy and shameful feelings to the surface and hash them out. I don’t know if this is a newly adopted trait of our society as a result of an overstock of various cyber communications, or if it’s a natural progression of weeding out stale relationships as we get older.
I do know that I have always been much more comfortable with confrontation than most. I have questioned this quality in myself, as there have been times when it has caused more problems than it has fixed.
But, I must stand firm in my modus operandi of confronting issues head on. Often, an hour or two of face to face, honest communication, is all that’s needed to work out differences and misunderstandings and bring the relationship to a stronger place than it was prior to the issue. That is, IF both parties are open and invested enough to have the pow-pow in the first place.
So, beautiful fellow actor friend of mine, I thank you. Your message came as a breath of fresh air. And although no forgiveness is necessary, I set you free from your guilt and accept your humble apology! Also, for what it’s worth, all of us had the same insecurities back then….and most of us still do!
Thank you for caring.