Hope for the Conscience

I received a Facebook message from an old schoolmate of mine.  We weren’t close. She was a few years ahead of me, but I always admired and looked up to her in a way. She was gorgeous and somewhat mysterious and seemed to keep to her focus on her craft in the way I always envisioned a true artist at work.

I was truly surprised to read her message. It was an apology letter for treating me badly and an admission of insecurity and jealousy that caused such behavior. Her words touched me, and not in the way one might think.

I actually have no recollection of her treating me in any way at all (perhaps that’s what she is speaking about), but while I have always been hypersensitive to the subtle energies of others, even just passersby on the street, I never received any negativity from her. Perhaps I was too wrapped up in my own insecurities and jealousies to notice.

But, the appreciation for her letter remains, however unnecessary it may have seemed.  In a world where true human connection is becoming obsolete and therefore awareness and accountability for how we affect others is evolving out like the tail on our prehistoric predecessors, her message sparked hope in me that there are those who still look within and are convicted enough to make amends.

I tend to go overboard with such baggage, as I carry with me every slight offense for which I have been responsible; a store clerk on the receiving end of an abrupt and impatient tone, a subway passenger who was given a roll of the eyes for not moving over an inch or two, or a telemarketer calling at dinner time who possibly didn’t need to be spoken to with angry disdain while she was simply trying to make a living.  And, I’m still holding guilt over my treatment of that poor Toys R Us gentleman from our infamous beach excursion day!  (Which I might add, was one of the catalysts for the onset of this blog eight months ago.)

So, while I do take this concept entirely too far, I am relieved to know that there are others who take the business of affecting the lives of others seriously. Lately, it seems like it is perfectly acceptable for emails to go unanswered, texts to go misunderstood, and voice mails to remain unheard.

People seem to be much less willing to openly connect, bring messy and shameful feelings to the surface and hash them out.  I don’t know if this is a newly adopted trait of our society as a result of an overstock of various cyber communications, or if it’s a natural progression of weeding out stale relationships as we get older.

I do know that I have always been much more comfortable with confrontation than most.  I have questioned this quality in myself, as there have been times when it has caused more problems than it has fixed.

But, I must stand firm in my modus operandi of confronting issues head on. Often, an hour or two of face to face, honest communication, is all that’s needed to work out differences and misunderstandings and bring the relationship to a stronger place than it was prior to the issue.  That is, IF both parties are open and invested enough to have the pow-pow in the first place.

So, beautiful fellow actor friend of mine, I thank you.  Your message came as a breath of fresh air. And although no forgiveness is necessary, I set you free from your guilt and accept your humble apology!  Also, for what it’s worth, all of us had the same insecurities back then….and most of us still do!

Thank you for caring.

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2 responses to “Hope for the Conscience

  1. It is quite a coincidence that you chose this topic for your latest post. My sister and I were just discussing the lack of ability (or desire) many people have for thinking about how their words and behavior impact others. As someone else who is overly sensitive to the energies of others and who carries too much baggage (for too long) about my own actions and how they may have affected others, I can totally relate to your concerns about this empathy and awareness being bred out of society. I was telling my sister how I noticed that I consciously parent my children to think about others and how their words/actions affect them – even in the midst of times when my children just want to relish and celebrate their own achievements. I told her that I was questioning if it might be a bad thing beacuse I am not encouraging them to be as bold and self-assured as they might need to be out in the world. So, thank you for sharing your story. I’ll continue to make sure that I cultivate 5 more sensitive (but hopefully not overly sensitive), empathatic, aware individuals for society.

    • It is a tricky balance, isn’t it Rita? But, I would bet that you are doing a wonderful job finding it and that your five children are just as exceptionally aware and thoughtful as you are. I so appreciate this comment and all of your others. thank you for reminding me that I’m not writing into a vacuum!

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