Retracting Previous Allegations

I must retract previous allegations against St. Barnabas Hospital in NJ.

I was unfair in my blanket statement concerning the whole establishment.

While I stand by my original assessment of the phlebotomy lab totally sucking, it turns out the Pediatric Emergency Room and it’s staff are all perfectly wonderful.

I had the pleasure of being corrected on the issue this evening while admitting Isabelle into their very kind and capable care with a dislocated elbow.

I do not however plan on writing either a letter of apology or an expression of gratitude.

I feel it is in everyone’s best interest that I shut my mouth for an undetermined period of time.

And possibly relocate my family to a padded room.

Padded for my children’s delicate bones and ligaments, padded for their Father who has thrown out his back lifting little spica man, and padded for their stark- raving, bat-shit crazy Mother.

I will however expect a visit from Child Protective Services sometime within the next 24 hours.  Should they not come knocking, I will be disappointed in the system as they are clearly not doing their job.

On another note, before my self-imposed silence,

All those of you who have been hurt either emotionally or physically by yours truly in the last 35 years, perhaps a childish shove on the playground in 1983, a prepubescent roll of the eyes in the early 90’s , anything you can think of,
please let me know how I may pay my debt to you. An email, a phone call, a letter, lunch, perverted sexual favors…anything.  Whatever you feel is necessary to lift the curse affecting my family.

Or wait!

A mirror! Maybe I broke a mirror!  Which is only good news if the break occurred seven years ago bringing us to the end of our bad luck. Five would still be bad news. Two more years of this is not acceptable.

Think, Emily! Think!


I can recall no broken mirrors.

Back to plan A of paying my debt to society.

Send all grievances along with proposed  payment to:

Motherfog Padded Room


Loony Toons Mcgee

19 responses to “Retracting Previous Allegations

  1. Holy Crapshit! Holy Crapshit! I am not laughing in the least at your unfortunate hospital attachment but your entry is pretty damn funny. I’m sending loving padded thoughts. I love you all!!! Katie

  2. Oh no! You may need to pad your entire house or burn some sage. Hugs to you all.

  3. From one bat shit crazy mother to another… Stay strong. Damn!

  4. Hang in there Em, I wish I could say it can’t get any worse, but Jake (my oldest, proved me wrong long ago.

  5. Bless you all Emily! Hoping both of your children heal as quickly as possible and when they do you deserve a weekend away (w/o children). Perhaps the hospital staffs could provide childcare services while you escape (obviously joking). As for paying your debt to society – I can’t imagine you having any debt to pay. You have always been one of the kindest, gentlest, and loving people I know – you never even teased me when I was afraid of the flying monkeys in Wizard of Oz and had to go home from your sleep over! Take care of your “little monkeys” and take comfort in knowing you are in great company in the bat shit crazy Mom club!

    • Oh my goodness, Jessica. You know? I have no recollection of you leaving my house in fear! I remember many a sleep overs but the monkeys don’t recall. But, my mother does! She said there were a few of my friends that left our house in fear….wise…very wise.

  6. Oh, Emily… It’s obviously just an extremely extended case of Murphy’s Law. But, you’ve got to be close to a world record so maybe you should reach out to Guiness. If they won’t hand you an official record, perhaps they’ll at least hand you a beer…

  7. Oh Emmy!!! I swear you are gonna win the lottery or something. You deserve it! Love you.

  8. Holy fucking shit.
    Are you kidding me?
    I have no words, Emily. None. This is some serious shitstorm hitting you right now.
    Ready, set, go:
    Normal’s gonna look really good when it hits some time later this year.
    You are really funny under horrible circumstances.
    In the category of Really Fucking Awful but at Least It’s Not Death, the winner is: YOU. Congratulations. Take a bow. Make sure they give you your…what? There’s no actual prize? That sucks.
    I send you cyber chocolate, cyber wine, cyber Valium, and a cyber housekeeper.

    All rules about food, tv, toys, and drinking in the morning are hereby lifted in your household, right?

    • this made me laugh out loud. for real. And you are correct. Normal is going to feel like the high of all highs. funny. thank you for that. Yes. I have decided that funny is a better color on me for now. Next time the shit hits the fan, which I’m sure it will, I will be sure to grab my clown nose before I tell my story.

      I am enjoying glass two of wine in your honor. No valium. It has not arrived yet. Housekeeper, though desperately needed has not come yet either. still waiting.

      Rules? No rules anymore. We are all bouncing off the walls. Or…would be if three out of four of us were not crippled.

  9. John Perricone

    I vaguely remember a roll of the eye when you were my student in High School (607) 785-1362.

  10. I just realized something. When it comes to the safety of your children, you clearly have magical powers! You must emit some invisible safety shield that other mothers would pay good money for. It is when you step AWAY from them that all hell breaks loose! You should rent your Wonder Womanly self out a couple hours a day … But take your kids WITH you … The shield clearly has limited reception and mobility.

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