Facebook Confessions

Last evening, I posted this as a status update on my personal Facebook page:

Zachary – “Mommy, Isabelle was screaming and crying for you the whole time you were upstairs” (it was a total of two minutes and 47 seconds)

Me- “Did you tell her that it was OK and that I would be right back?”

Zachary “No. I kept my voice in my mouth”

Yes, my kid is cheeky and hilarious, but not the point of this post.

After a few comments, I responded with this:

 “Mommies should NEVER have to pee”

After I hit ENTER on this one, I felt a tinge of warmth flush my cheeks, but I moved on to break up a wrestling match between my two toddlers.

Then came this one:

 “I can’t believe you got away to pee for a whole two minutes and 47 seconds all by yourself!!! Not even the bathroom is sacred in my house! :\ Good for you, Em!”

My palms began to twitch and bead with sweat, my skin prickling with the tell-tale signs of guilt.  Unable to bear another second of my transgression, I left my children to solve their own skirmish and pecked out this admission to the Facebook ether:

 Confession: I might be telling a white lie as to not look like a horrible mother in a facebook status…the real story is…I left them in the car for a total of 35 seconds while parked 1 foot away from the chinese takeout place where I ran in to get the food. I could see them the whole time and isabelle did NOT look like she was screaming. Which may mean that my son tells just as many tall tales as his mamma 

The moral of the story is:

I can always be implicitly trusted to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, no matter how shameful…

Until I can’t be.

At which point I will fess up within approximately four and a half minutes.

Sincerely…Most Sincerely,

Emily

**Never before published Bonus Confession:

Overwhelmed with guilt over serving my children the sweet and sour chicken combination platter, which is possibly not really chicken and fried in a delectable batter of gelatinous crap which consists of ingredients I’m certain I do not want to know (don’t you dare leave them for me in the comment section), I devoured each and every last piece and served them cereal for dinner…

Because in addition to being a white liar, I am a martyr.

have a click!

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10 responses to “Facebook Confessions

  1. I love you…that is all. ❤

  2. Hilarious! I know the feeling. I’m amazed at how much time we spend feeling guilty all through motherhood! From going to the bathroom to having coffee (or wine) w/ friends! Thanks for the post! It’s awesome to know one is normal!

  3. Did the children mind that you ate all the sweet and sour chicken yourself after the whole ordeal? I don’t even get the opportunity to try to give a spin to anything around here. #2 & #4 never let me get away with anything. They tell ALL the details. It is really handy for when I want to know what their siblings have been up to and at times really embarrassing when they tell others about my activities.

    • Well, true story…as there always must be a “true” story…I ordered them vegetable lo mein which Zachary which they didn’t eat. It wasn’t until after I had eaten every piece of chicken that I knew Zachary actually wanted it. He said “why did you eat all of the chicken? I want it out of your mouth” Me too, Zachary. Me too.

  4. Spouse used to freak me out when I was pregnant with hypotheticals of *that* being the moment when someone tries to rob the restaurant and locks the door with me inside and the kids outside. I found in the resulting hysterical panic that calling restaurants and package stores and even cell phone stores from outside will universally get them to come outside with your food, package, or cell battery.
    But now I want Chinese food. Damn it.

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