The Truth

I haven’t been posting as frequently lately and I’m ready to explain why.  We are on the precipice of an enormous and exciting change, albeit hair-raising.  I was waiting for a few of the 4 million details to fall into place, but in the mean time, I had difficulties writing entries that didn’t come across as flat and generic.  It’s hard to omit a major slice of what consumes most of your waking thoughts.  So, here goes…

No, I’m not pregnant.  Bite your tongue.

In 7 short weeks, we are moving back to the Northeast.  Wow.  I hear the weather is lovely on the east coast in the dead of winter.  A perfect time to move a toddler, a one year old, 2 dogs who refuse to walk if the ground is even slightly damp, a man from Florida and a woman who swears of her frost bitten feet when the temperature drops below 64.   But, regardless of our comfort factor, it is time.  I have not been as certain of anything in years. 3 years, 8 months to be exact….

In March of 2008, we lost our first daughter, Kennedy due to a rare complication, forcing her premature delivery at 23 weeks.   I have since then written pages of journal entries and subsequent graduate admissions essays explaining my grieving and healing process.  These writings wrap up the whole experience in a perfectly tied bow, and while I wish this was the case, there is no such neatly wrapped package closing the chapter.

My whole reason for writing this blog, was to navigate to a place where I would eventually share this ongoing process in another form or anonymous blog.  But, it has become clear that the path on which we find ourselves currently is a result of that event, and I’m having trouble writing a double life.

People said to me that once I had my healthy children, it would be a distant memory. For me, they were wrong. As much as I love my children, they have not replaced my first. I think of her every day, maybe more so when I look into the eyes of her siblings.

We live in a city in which we had no intentions of staying prior to Kennedy’s loss. We came to LA with a show, and planned to stay for 6 months.  I realize now, that I blamed myself for performing throughout my pregnancy and sabotaged my own career as some sort of penance. Ironic, as my lack of income is only serving to punish the living members of my family.  I wore blinders for all things outside of our fertility attempts, and became obsessively attached to the medical team that delivered her.  In hindsight, I understand that there are plenty of doctors, perfectly capable of delivering healthy babies in New York. I hear it’s quite a big city. But instead, I gripped this coast, restaging all steps and circumstances in a delusional attempt to rewind time and do it over.  This time, I would do it right.  It had to be that hospital, that office, that doctor, those maternity clothes, that nursery decor.  All the while, landing my husband in a passionless, dead end job, and shutting the doors to my performing career. Sobering up now, with 2 amazing children, I can’t help but look around and wonder what on earth we are doing here, hemorrhaging our savings with no possible career path, only a few close friends, and no family within a 2500 mile radius.

So, off we go….no job, no health insurance, but hope of purpose and direction. For the sake of my family, I have to pick up the pieces of my career, and my husband is owed the opportunity to find passion in what he does for a living.  I could not have been blessed with a more supportive partner.  With stoicism and quiet acceptance, he took work where it was available, to afford us what I said was needed to heal from this and move forward.  But, as I have watched his eyes deaden with each passing month, with no outlet for his creative spark, it has become shockingly apparent that no amount of money is worth the squelching of one’s desires.

We met as performers in New York and both of us worked consistently.  I have to believe we will continue to do so.  We have been spinning our wheels here for 3 and a half years and I fear that it is all because of the tiny box of ashes, scattered on this Pacific coast. It was my mother who reminded me that the oceans are connected. Kennedy is everywhere. It’s time to move on.

While I am open to sharing all of this, and grateful for interest in and support of this process, I am not going to post updates as frequently on facebook.  Please bookmark this page or subscribe for email updates if you would like to tune into our journey. Also, feel free to pass it along to people you feel may benefit and join me as we all hold on for the ride. I’m terrified….and excited to get back in the game……and, terrified.  Did I mention, terrified?

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30 responses to “The Truth

  1. Wow, Emily. Big changes, big steps, huge self exploration. You got guts, girl and you continue to be an inspiration to me. I wish you luck in your move (that should bring on some interesting blogging material) and in your career!

  2. Oh, Emily…what an amazing journey your heart and your family have taken. While we will miss you all teribly, there’s no way I can begrudge your decision to go after reading this…for goodness sakes, I’ll help you pack!

    The only thing is ask is that you find a place to live out there that has enough space for our queen air mattress and M’s sleeping bag so that we can visit so Z and I and M can have some face time in the future!

    HUGS and best wishes on your new great adventure!

  3. You are an amazing woman, mother and wife!!!! it takes courage to move beyond something you have so tightly held onto for years, but as your mother, a wise woman said, she is everywhere! Most importantly she is in your heart, soul and family forever!!!!! New adventures lie ahead for you and for your husband and for your kids, family as a whole and I am excited to read more about it!!!!!

  4. YEAH!! YEAH!! YEAH!! I’m in tears reading this post, Em. Partly because of “the oceans connecting part,” partly because I’m overjoyed you’ve found your answer, and partly because I’m eccstatic that you’re moving back here!!! 2 hours from where we live!!!! I’m so, so happy for you and can’t wait to see the pages unfold. I love you so much!! 🙂

  5. Em, this post made me cry. It’s beautifully raw and articulate. I can’t wait to have you back here and know everything is going to fall into place! Waiting with open arms my friend:) Love you.

  6. Tried this last night. So wonderfully moving to be part of this adventure and to see comments by “sister of the spirit” Alison (another daughter indeed.) Of course I wanted you back here, but not until it was really “right” for you and Steve. Can’t wait to experience the rush of new beginnings, highs and lows. Love to you all.
    Mom

  7. This post moved me to tears. I am so sorry for the pain you’ve gone through. You are so amazingly strong to be making this leap of faith. I wish you nothing but happiness and success on your journey.

  8. Choking up….gwahhh…So many things Em. I am so proud of you, and proud to know you…and so darned excited for you to get back out here. I know you will have a bajillion friends that I will have to wait in line behind, but cannot wait for our mommy/kid playdates. Someday we’ll be able to have a conversation, in person, in full sentences…someday soon!

  9. Emily, I was thrilled to hear that you are coming back home. I have no doubt that you and Steve will find all the right avenues open up for you when you arrive. You two are amazing, talented people and deserve all that you want for yourselves and your family. I love you so much! Can’t wait to see you soon! Love, Aunt Chrissy

  10. Hi Emily, I’m sure everyone is thrilled that you are moving back to the east coast. Will you live in the city near Marcie or closer to home?? I felt your pain while reading about Kennedy. (I love the name ). I don’t know if you knew this , but Monica lost twin boys at 25 weeks. about 17 years ago. She has never expressed her grief so eloquently as you have. It has helped me see into her heartache as well. Thank you. She can empathize more than anyone. Your children are beautiful. Your dad is smiling down.Good luck with your move. I wish you much happiness. Love, Betty

    • Betty, Thank you so much for this. My whole purpose in sharing is so that others may connect to it and be helped in some way. I feel like I should have known about Monica’s boys, but did not. I wish i had talked to her. So much love to all of you.

  11. What beautiful writing and we will definitely miss you guys. It’s going to be an amazing move and we do hope we get to come visit you all.

  12. Dear Emily and Steve, I am so happy to hear that you are moving back near the family. You both are so talented in so many ways andyou have such beautiful children, you will always be successful. I am proud of you for making such a change, but you will be so happy you did. I always missed the family when I moved to Ca. Especially my dear sweet cousin Kenny and his talented family. You have all been very special to me. Kennedy will be with you anywhere you are in your heart and mind. Love to all, Barbara

    • Barbara, so sweet of you to say these things and give this support. Lord, knows we need it! I wish we were able to see more of you. I hate that all of us are so far apart. One day, we’ll have to plan a huge family reunion!! Love back to your family.

  13. So beautifully put. And remember, my Mom is in that same ocean, and I KNOW she is keeping Kennedy company…. and vice versa. xoxo

  14. Emily, I want to acknowledge you for the courage you are showing by opening up to these truths. It was an honor to walk with you through some of your mourning and such a blessing to witness you grow through it and beyond. As I come upon the anniversary of Hope’s short visit with me, I reflect upon how much she gifted me with being the mom I am today. She prepared me in amazing ways and continues to offer me wonderful lessons in experiencing life beyond what we have right here and now. I know Kennedy was a blessing for you too. And I’m so happy to see that you’re forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to live in alignment with what you have been blessed with…your talents, your children, your husband and your Self. I have complete faith the Universe will open up and provide you with all you need as you live your authentic life and follow your heart’s desires. Sending so much love for your journey…..

    • Sarah, Thanks so much for this. You have been such a blessing in my life and I am unbelievable grateful. You guidance through the most raw and difficult times will never be forgotten. I find comfort in knowing that our little girls are together and watching over us both. With so much love, Emily.

  15. This is an amazing story. First off, so sorry about losing your daughter, something I can only imagine dealing with. Thankfully, it sounds like you have been able to find some peace. Secondly, your comment “no amount of money is worth the squelching of one’s desires” rings so true. I have been preaching that forever. That’s where I was the last few years. After years of being in a job that I really enjoyed, I finally just burned out. Then it was hellish, and like your husband my eyes deadened and my passion for anything went right out the window. Now, as you have read, we are on to something new… well see! Thanks for sharing this… I look forward to continue following your new path as well! 🙂

  16. I just read this after dropping in to your Kennedy blog. I wonder if my eyes look dead sometimes with no creative outlet? I am always singing around the house (“too loud Mummy” my daughter says). I am perplexed: deranged with pain and guilt for missing bedtime to do a show versus setting an example for my children by fulfilling my destiny and using my own gifts wisely. You’ve given me food for thought.

    Your daughter’s spirit will find you anywhere.
    I hope the move was a blessing.

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